Sober January is a disaster.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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