he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
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Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
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Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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