Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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