I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
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I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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