I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
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yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
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Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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