Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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