Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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