I wish I could teleport
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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