I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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