Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize