I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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