You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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