The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
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He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
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