one word: firstdatebathroomanal
there was a trapeze. enough said
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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