She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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