look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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