I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
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I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
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I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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