: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
im holly from the hills drunk
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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