it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
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Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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