I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize