you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
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don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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