Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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