They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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