Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
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