STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
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If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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