I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
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i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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