My liver just broke up with me...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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