So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
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DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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