New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
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Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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