hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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