Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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