how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
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He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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