just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
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He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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