My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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