I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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