the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
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you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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