rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
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dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
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I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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