So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
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we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
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Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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