God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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