tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
well you can't waste a boner
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
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when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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