And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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