I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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