when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
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Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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