Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
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She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
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Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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