I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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