Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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