When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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