Swine flu. Run for my life!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
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His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
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Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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