I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
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I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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