It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
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i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
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Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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